Mihi Dic Tell me
by FurryFeet
Summary: Jack starts wondering about things unsaid when Stephen returns from a traumatic experience aboard the Nereide. Jack decides to challenge this. Please review, it encourages me and speeds it along.
1. Default Chapter

Mei Dicere Chapter one: What's Amiss? By: Megan Baker Barrowed characters from Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey/Maturin novels. Parts in italics are quotes from various Aubrey/Maturin novels.  
  
The sight of the Boadicea was a welcome one to Stephen Maturin as he made his laborious way up her side. Welcome, of course, because he had become accustomed to her but more recently welcome because of his flight from the Nereide. Welcoming voices piped around him as he caught his balance on the deck. He didn't ignore them, he answered politely; yes, glad to be back. Commodores in his cabin I assume?  
He staggered down below deck and sluggishly made his way to Jack's cabin. "Why Stephen, there you are! Cried Jack, springing from behind a mass of papers as Stephen walked into the cabin. "How happy I am to see you-another couple of hours and I should have been off to Flat Island with Keating and his men-Stephen, what's amiss?" "I must tell you what's amiss, my dear."  
  
When finally he had related the entire incident to Jack, facts only, he sighed and dropped his head in his hands. "Clonfert is a decent enough man. He was quite entertaining to me actually. But I would not recommend his way of command." "I hope he didn't suffer you needlessly." Jack began to collect his strewn papers and Stephen unceremoniously collapsed into his hammock. When he was settled he began again. "I wouldn't say he suffered me needlessly, though I suffered none the less." Stephen presently began to feel of his ribs, healed but uncommon sore, he thought. "From ship to shore to fort to another ship to shore and again. It was miserable." Jack gazed suspiciously at his friend. "I assume you've aquired an injury?" He asked noting Stephen's discomfort. "Yes, yes. No, don't fuss." He said fending off the Commodore's hands. "It's fine, all taken care of. Actually happened when I boarded the Nereide. Bonked my head and all falling in the water." He said dissmisively. "Through all that cannon fire, and battle and you return with wounds from an accident not battle related." And though Jack had meant to be firm his youthful mirth surfaced at the thought and he stifled a laugh. Stephen rolled over to face away from Jack and closed his eyes. He cringed and ignored the visions of the cannon fire. No, Jack did not realize he had seen it, that he had been on deck this time. Through this battle he was not below. Did not realize that this particular time he had felt the bullets whiz by and seen the flying splinters that he had tirelessly extracted from so many others, even Jack. "I only want to rest, I've had quite a new experience and I would prefer to mewl over it a while...in peace."  
  
Whatever new experience Stephen was referring to, Jack was in the dark. He honored the Doctor's wishes and left the cabin to wait the rest of his time aboard on deck. While waiting, however, he was puzzled by Stephen's statements and tried to place his behavour. He could only place one other time that he had come aboard in such a deep melancholy. The night he had returned to the Surprise only in light of Jack's threats that he received, through Bonden. Perhaps he had been rather stern. But for all his knowledge, Stephen had simply disappeared and had become distant while they lay in Bombay. He remembered the haggard look upon the doctor and Barrett Bonden's somewhat disapproving look on deck. As he remembered it the summons he sent through his coxswain was quite cold and official.  
  
Surprise  
  
Bombay Sir, you are hereby required and directed to report aboard H M ship under my command immediately upon receipt of this order.  
I am, etc.  
Jno. Aubrey  
  
And what other statements Bonden had added about his own mood or anger he would never know. But yes, he assured himself, that was the last time he had seen Stephen in such a state and he even doubted that it was his cold reserve that had caused even that. He walked steadily towards the starboard and ignored the men around him, even their slight timidity to walk nearby. He was still thinking, trying to reach a conclusion. There were many things, Jack felt, that were being left unsaid. This, he concluded, must be challenged. 


	2. Challenging the Unsaid

Mihi Dice  
  
Chapter Two: Challenging the Unsaid  
  
The next quiet dinner the Doctor shared with the Commodore was welcome and the time between had not been without its reserve and avoidance. But Jack was prepared to attack this obstacle head on, though he wasn't sure exactly how. Rushing into a questioning could backfire, even with an intimate friendship. He understood that there were things that should remain secrets as far as 'business' was concerned. He was aware that Stephen would not hand over any information that might compromise him or his crew, under enemy pressure. But something about the Doctor's mood told Jack that it wasn't official business that made him look so ill and weary. It was something else entirely, something deep and hidden. But what reason would he have to hide it? Fear perhaps, fear of being misunderstood, fear of appearing week? That was a thought that triggered many others in Jacks mind and he smiled in spite of himself and glanced up to see if Stephen had noticed. Lukily he was quietly savoring the good meal before him and paying Jack's silence no mind.  
Jack's mind went on to elaborate on his current thought. Stephen Maturin: smaller than he, to a great extent. On the outside not very durable, pale and ill looking on his mediocre days. Yet it was Stephen who held up the façade, the false appearance of solidity in their friendship. On the other hand, Jack himself was more likely to fly into an emotional rage or fall quickly to tears in an appropriate circumstance. Years at sea, a great deal of whippings in my past and right proper Naval discipline and here I am the sentimental of us two. Jack thought and finally he looked up, cleared his throat and...  
"Stephen..." Began his booming voice and he coughed in surprise at his volume. "Stephen," He started again, more softly. "I've been meaning to speak with you if you will permit me." Stephen looked up in anticipation but did not speak, rather, he nodded in agreement. Blue eyes betraying nothing as he waited. Jack was discouraged by this. He had hoped to get a few words from Stephen before he began. "When you came aboard after the Neriede," Stephen nodded again. "You explained to me the facts of the battle but not why you were so weary, you did not indulge my curiosity," Here Jack became louder and more insistent. "And I have remained silent for days, brother, and I expect if it is at all possible you will share with me why you were so ill when you returned." He calmed and added, "And why it has been so quiet with us since." Jack wasn't quite sure if he meant their talk or their music but both had been quite stifled as of late. Stephen's expression and not changed and he leaned back in his chair. "Is that all?" He asked in conversational tone. Jack's brow furrowed. "Well...yes, no, no that is not all, but it will make a good start." Stephen finally laughed at Jack. "My dear, are you feeling a bit insecure?" He said still chuckling as Killick ventured in to remove what they had finished. Jack glared at Stephen and his laughter and then at Killick, who grumbled audibly. "Which I can't read minds ya know. Wants me to leave he ought to say so. Don't want me to come at all, he ought to say so..." And so on as he disappeared through the door, slamming it in irritation. "Well, Jack, would you like me to start with my great dive into the ocean?" Stephen exclaimed, still smiling, guarding the severity, least is come out and bit them both. Jack put his head in his hands, humiliated at the whole thing. "I care not where you start Stephen." He said indifferently. "Do you not see this only stems from my concern? If I did not care for you I would not ask you theses things. I would say 'suck it up and go on man!' And I would most likely boot you out of my cabin to sleep in your sick berth!" It was Stephen's turn to feel a bit humiliated. He misgauged Jack's mood and therefore made light of something that was obviously sensitive to the Englishman. "Forgive me Jack. I will tell you what has made me so ill and weary and why I'm most glad to be here with you again." 


	3. Surrender

Mihi Dic Chapter Two / Surrender  
  
The light in the room had dimmed significantly and Jack was obliged to light another candle. Meanwhile Stephen soothed Killick by assisting him with his duty. Jack listened in aggravated silence as the steward continued to grumble, Stephen making noncommittal answers and the metallic sound of the silver being cleared away. He was almost done fitting the new wax into the candelabra when he heard Killick's last mumble about ink on the cloth again and then the creak and click of the door.  
  
"I've said, in the past, that I have never doubted your ability to command," Began Stephen as he made himself once again comfortable in his chair. "And I stand by that statement now...now that I have seen first hand the command of another." A sigh and then, "It wasn't life changing per say. I merely found myself quite miserable and...and in a situation I had never experienced before." Stephen finished. Jack leaned over the table and rested his head on one hand. "You'll forgive me Stephen, but I fail to grasp your meaning." "When I arrived yes, I took a great tumble into the water." He smiled slightly. "I did a bit of damage to my head and broke a rib or two." He dismissed his friends' concerned look and went on. "I found my self under the care of McAdam and you know what I think of that man." McAdam, the Nereid's doctor whom Stephen had never comprehended. How he detested that man. His voice was becoming a bit angry, then soft again. "But I relented and stayed a bed for several days. I found Captain Clonfert to be entertaining and grew quite fond of him; he stayed near and at hand to keep me company. I was in good spirits for the most part and when we went ashore. That time on land, it littered with close calls and a good loss of life." Again he dismissed another concerned look. "No, no nothing specific. I've not ye come to what truly grieved me." Jack silently waited, not sure of what to say.  
  
"When we boarded the ship again we were soon engaging the Bellone. Their shore fire was concentrated on us. It was frighteningly loud and a horrific sight." Here Jack came to what he had guessed. "You were not below? Not with McAdam? Your station is with the wounded Stephen." Jack told him, expecting an explanation. "Do you think I was on deck by my own choice?" Stephen justified. "Clonfert was eager to show me, and I quote: 'something to be compared with what you have seen with Commodore Aubrey.'" Stephen acknowledged Jack's relent and went on. "What he did not know was that all I have seen with you has been below, covered in blood, yes, frightened yes, in danger, yes. But all the while it stands that I am no friend to violence. I have never desired to lend a hand on deck during your engagements." A moment passed of silence. "I have seen its consequences, but never the act itself." "I'm sorry Stephen, I will be sure to send orders with you in the future. That you are to be in the orlop with the wounded during any engagement." The Commodore's massive hand covered his face in thought as Stephen slipped into a strong reverie. "I did not know what I was to do. Was it my duty to stand and be shot at, to stand with nothing to do? I was at a loss. When finally they sent for me from below. McAdam had drunk himself into a stupor. He was useless and of no medical help at all." He said angrily, gritting his teeth. "I heard them call for a path for the captain and they laid him before me." His speech was slow and deliberate. "As I've said I had grown fond of him, however pompous he may seem at times." "Was he badly wounded?" "Yes, I've seen much, much worse, do not misunderstand me. He must have been in so much pain though. He did show incredible strength and was hobbling back up before even I was quite sure he should." A thoughtful pause followed. "He must be in pain even now, wherever he has ended up. Surrendered by now, I'm sure. It was dark when he came below again. The man was walking around unconscious." The sound of the bell came drifting through the cabin and many feet scrambling to their watch. Jack only flinched an eye upward in recognition to the change of watch. "He began to call each of the wounded men by name and he spoke with them. Twenty-seven dead. That was the count before I lead him to rest in the dead purser's cot. Showed him how to rest his head so not to endanger his wound." "They were still firing?" Jack asked after a moment. "It stopped for a short while and in the morning it began again. It was a rather slow death, the poor old ship." "Indeed." Said Jack, remembering the official reports he had received after Stephen's arrival. "The Nereides could not strike her colours so the Bellone kept on firing. They brought down the mizzen instead. I came up on deck as it fell. I begged leave of Clonfert, he was not himself, and I escaped. The Nereide was resting on the sea-bed as I made for the Sirius." Stephen ended here and looked up to the Commodore. "Captain Pym received you well there I hope." He asked. "I cannot complain but his attitude did not raise my opinion of him. He refused to assist the Nereide and soon I was taking my leave." The retelling ended here and Jack understood finally the melancholic Doctor that had appeared on his ship days before. This experience; a small fire to sea-hardened Jack Aubrey was certainly more of a bonfire to Stephen who exercised his bravery behind the scenes of every other engagement. "I did not want to appear..." Stephen stopped, searching for the right words. "Weak?" Jack offered and Stephen's head nodded in agreement. "Stephen, brother. To me you are who you are. If you feel something, I would rather know of it than to think something about you that is not true. Do you understand me?" The last line Stephen had heard belted out to many a midshipman, came softly for once from him and he felt comforted. Looking across the table, in the fading light he smiled. "I understand you."  
  
TBC. Much more brain prodding to come...that ain't all. 


	4. Letters

Mihi Dic / Chapter 4  
  
I Know  
  
Rating: G  
  
Spoilers: Um, not really.  
  
Disclaimer: The plot is the only thing that belongs to me!  
  
Summery: Set during The Mauritius command during a break while the Boadicea is anchored East of La Reunion. Slight spoilers for the first 5 books. I cover all the bases.  
  
The morning came on slowly and it would be the last for many days spent in peace. Brilliant sunlight, made even more so by the reflective water, came streaming into the Commodore's cabin. The sun rising from its watery grave past the horizon gave a silent order and the lanterns were quickly dowsed throughout the ship in favor of the welcomed sun.  
The Boadicea had received its mail the day before and in it a letter for Commodore Jack Aubrey, the captain of the ship, from his wife, Sophia. The new day found him scratching away in response to her missive. He glanced often to the right, where Sophia's letter lay open, reading and rereading her anxious questions to answer as accurately as possible. He related his love back in his own scribble, primitive when compared to her rolling script. As he regarded her writing, he felt warmth settle on his right hand and was suddenly aware of the rising sun. Noting the time, he called out for Killick, his personal steward and continued to write.  
On deck, Dr. Stephen Maturin, the ship's surgeon, was being quite distracted by an enormous unknown bird, flying between the Boadicea and the shore. His attention, however, drifted from the bird to aft of the ship as he heard the rare argumentative tone of Bonden, the captain's coxswain. To whom the cox'n was conversing with Stephen did not know but surely Jack would want to know of it immediately instead of sensing it upon his arrival on deck.  
Writing one last note on the bird he had observed, Stephen headed for below decks.  
He was descending the stairs when he met Killick on his was up, bearing his coffee.  
"Mornin' to you doctor and the Cap...the Commodore, rot these bloody positions, extends his invitation to breakfast within the hour."  
Stephen accepted the mug and Killick's arm assisting him on down the stairs. Though Stephen had been a sea for a good while now, he still managed to gain a bump or two from the ship's low beams. "Yes, yes, thank you Killick, I can make it from here." He said, disdainfully, walking past the steward.  
"Which there won't be no eggs...hen won't lay in this weather." Killick added.  
Stephen wondered what he meant by weather. It was pleasant, not warm enough for himself, mind you but pleasant. And he was contemplating the temperature when he opened Jack's cabin door with little more than a tap to announce himself.  
"There you are, Stephen! You didn't hurry I hope, I told Killick within the hour." Jack said, looking up from his writing. Stephen closed the door behind him and took a seat across the paper-covered table from Jack.   
"No, no. I did not cut my observation short for breakfast but rather to tell you that there's some discontent on deck with Barrett. I hope you'll intervene before this day becomes less peaceful".  
Jack groaned and excused himself, returning the feathered pen to the inkwell and throwing on his coat.   
Left alone, Stephen's thoughts and his gaze wandered to Jack's stack of letters, all from Sophia, he assumed, after looking at the signatures on each.  
The yellowed paper covered the opposite half of the table and only small snatches of the tablecloth could be seen underneath.  
Sophie was a generous soul and Stephen remembered receiving letters from her in the past, before Jack and Sophia were married. They remained friends for they were never anything more. But in time Stephen saw that all of Sophia's letters came addressed to Commodore Aubrey. There was no longer any personal correspondence for him. Receiving only official papers and orders that were better off destroyed after being read had begun to grate at Stephen's mind. No one seemed to take the time to put pen to paper and write him a letter, a real and personal letter.  
As he began to contemplate this new thought Jack entered noisily, ranting over the gunner and the bosun and how Bonden was correct in his statement that...  
"Are you all right, brother?" Jack asked Stephen, seeing the look on his friend's face.  
Stephen looked up. He had not allowed Jack's rambling to interrupt his thoughts.  
"Oh, yes, yes. I'm fine, my dear. I was only thinking." he assured Jack, suddenly feeling rather guilty for the times he had quickly closed his journal and dusted it with sand in an effort to make it seem unused. Stephen grimaced at the thought as he surveyed the letters Jack had left spread open all over the table. Stephen's eyes cut up to look at Jack but he was oblivious to all but clearing the table for breakfast as Killick entered.  
"Like I said, there won't be no eggs." He repeated as he laid the tray, full of crisp bacon and a great hunk of beefsteak, upon the recently cleared table. Jack sat down happily upon surveying the meal and forgot about Killick until the steward cleared his throat and looked at Jack.  
Jack's brow furrowed in thought for a moment then cleared.  
"Oh!" He exclaimed. "Forgive me, Stephen." He apologized and scrambled to the door.  
"You may pipe to breakfast!" Jack's rumble echoed through the ship and the sound of running feet could be heard rushing to their own meal. Stephen smiled slightly at Jack's absentmindedness.  
Shaking his head, Killick began to mutter, "Thinks he's the only one that's gotta eat 'round 'er. Feeds the doctor and 'emself, forgets our old bones are about."  
Jack had returned to his seat and said "That will be enough, Killick."  
Breakfast was quiet, a fact that lent itself to Stephen's contemplation. Jack attempted not to notice his friend's inattention, he tried quite hard but after only finishing half the meal, he leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms indignantly and waited for Stephen's attention.  
Intent on thinking and immersed in his meal, Stephen was not aware of Jack's silent inquisition until Jack cleared his throat. Stephen looked up, confused. "Yes? Is there an issue?" He asked, lightheartedly.  
Jack smiled in return "Well, you are preoccupied and..." He started but then waved his hand dismissively. "No, I don't require you to tell me. I'm only concerned" Jack finished and went on eating.  
Stephen thought on this for a moment and finding himself glad at his friend's concern, spoke up. "I'm...I'm very glad Sophie writes you so often and I'm glad to see you return them."  
Jack looked up quickly. "Where is this going, Stephen?"  
"I wish..." Stephen started but broke off, the statement halfheartedly said in the first place and he felt it didn't need finishing. Surly it was of little importance, considering that England was at war and he was speaking to the captain of one of His Majesty's war ships. "No, never mind." Stephen finally said.  
"Perhaps you wish you would receive a personal letter or two? Or are you still brooding over Diana?" Jack's words may not have been quite right and had they been from anyone else Stephen would have been offended, but his forward speech was comforting and familiar and Stephen saw that he had spoken with nothing but concern.  
"I suppose it is both." Stephen sighed. He pushed back from the table and looked around the room, avoiding Jack's eyes. He also began to fiddle quietly with a loose thread that hung from his long sleeve.  
Jack eyed him for a moment and became quite sad over the situation. Stephen was different from any other man on Jack's ship. He was the only one who Jack spoke to in confidence, in truth, the only one who he considered to be on equal footing in most matters.  
"It must grow tiresome." He started and Stephen looked up Jack had risen and walked over to the windows of the great cabin, looking out at the new sun.  
"You watch. You see. You know the support I have. You're aware of the love that travels back and forth from Portsmouth to the far reaches where we sail. Between Sophie and I." Jack said, his eyes, sharp as the sword he carried, pierced Stephen before he could compose his sadly thoughtful face. "Is there really no one else Stephen?" Jack continued. "No one to lift you up? Are you really quite stuck with me as your only encouragement? I pity you, if that is so." He finished, shaking his head sadly and turning again to the sea.  
"No, Jack you mustn't devalue yourself so. You are a great source of hope for me. I meant not to sound as if I'm not grateful." Stephen replied after a long moment of thought. He went back to worrying the thread.  
Jack looked at him but did not reply. Whatever Stephen was holding inside would come out with or without his prodding.  
At length Stephen spoke again.  
"There are some people of acquaintance. They are scattered about. In truth I know many people in many places. But they do not know me, I do not confide in them, I speak in confidence to very few."  
A great wall seemed to erect itself in front of Stephen's speech and he began to find it extremely hard to construct what should come next. But his eyes seemed far away very soon and the thoughts turned into words.  
"Some know me as Stephen," He stopped and laughed bitterly. "And so many other names, thought up quickly to avoid detection. I cannot remember them all." Another bitter laugh rolled from his throat. "I pay no regard to those to whom I lied. There are so many and just as I used them they used me in return. It is not acknowledged though. Information for information, though the information I give is faulty...and fatal at times." He stopped short and contemplated his last words. How dreadful but true.  
Jack recoiled at the coldness in Stephen's words. But Jack wasn't truly shocked and he saw that it was time to confess that he already knew. Still gazing out at the sea, Jack began to speak.  
"I have, I have heard many of those names...your informant's and yours." He spoke softly. "I know the faulty information you give and I know it leads some of them to their death."  
Stephen was now frightened. How Jack was aware of his misdeeds was unknown to him, so, he stayed quiet, awaiting an explanation.  
"I know what little there is to know about your childhood." Jack turned then and Stephen saw a familiar smile. "I know about the butterfly you found as a boy, one that you had never seen before and would not let anyone rest until it had been named."  
Jack's eyes were aglow with knowledge and he continued, coming back to the table. "I know about the young girl who slapped you for she thought that your examination of her feet was improper."  
Stephen smiled at the memory but a frown quickly replaced the smile.  
"How do you know this?" He asked in bewilderment.  
Jack did not answer but approached Stephen's chair and squatted, undignified on the blanks of the floor. "I know every heart wrenching feeling you have had over Diana and every tear you have shed over her deceit. Was she a man I'd have no qualms over setting her to rights."  
Stephen sat agog, unsure of what was transpiring. At length, Jack began again.  
"I know what they did to you, in Mahon. I know every last thing and I know...I know that you told them nothing." Jack swallowed audibly and took Stephens' hand his own, looking at them thoughtfully. "I know that you feared for your hands most of all, that you dreaded the thought of hearing a lone violin at night." Stephen did indeed remember being so afraid that he would never play his 'cello again and even more bothered by the prospect of listening to Jack playing his instrument alone.  
Stephen gazed, puzzled at his friend, so he returned the soft pressure he felt on his hands. "Please, please, tell me Jack, how do you know all this? " His brow furrowed and his throat constricted in order to hold back the emotion that he so rarely showed, that Jack's statements had brought to the surface. A strange mixture of happiness mingled with the bitter thought of his past overwhelmed Stephen.  
"Canning." Jack spoke plainly. "That man's bullet was your undoing I'm afraid."  
Stephen thought back to the awful day, when he had been shot by that man and in turn killed him, with a bullet meant for only Canning's arm.  
"Under the circumstances, I was the only one who could sit with you through your fever. You knew that I was there, perhaps you don't remember all that you said." Jack, being the only one who was aware of Stephen's secret service to England, was the only man able to sit for so long with Stephen as he recovered.  
Stephen looked away. In truth, his memories of anything after being shot were muddled and jumbled and he would be hard pressed to recall much of anything.  
"You spoke of everything. So much that at one moment you horrified me, but here is where we come to it. Nothing has changed. You are still the same to me. You are still Stephen to me, not a wandering loon nor a thief or murderer or anything else you could be called. I thank the Almighty for you often and try not to wonder how it would be without you aboard my ships or as my friend." Stephen was surprised at this, that even knowing what he did, Jack would still treat Stephen the same, as a fellow human in a world full of mistakes. Stephen had expected and received a much different reaction from others when faced with his truth.  
Stephen sat stunned and tried, desperately, to process Jack's words in his mind. Jack waited patiently.  
"I had no idea how loosely I had spoken in my delirium." Stephen began. "Jack, forgive me for any harsh words I may have spoken of you and the ones that I have said to your face."  
Jack looked up with a forgiving smile and new color to his cheeks, showing Stephen that he may have indeed spoken something he should not have.   
"I never dreamt that anyone could still accept me, knowing all that I had done, much less love me as you do." Stephen spoke softly and stopped abruptly "Dear Stephen, there are to be no tears at breakfast." Jack said with a soft laugh.  
"And what of tears of joy?" Stephen said, looking up and hiding his tears no longer, but wiping them away.  
Jack laughed heartily and stood, offering his hand to Stephen. When Stephen was steady on his feet, Jack turned and retrieved his violin from nearby.  
"Come now Stephen, I shall play no solo this morning!"  
Killick appeared through the door as Stephen adjusted his 'cello.  
"Oh, no, no not in the mornin'."  
He groaned and began to clear breakfast away as Stephen began to tune to Jack's rather shrill A. 


	5. Love and the Sea

Title: Mihi Dic Chapter 5 / Love and the Sea  
Set during: Desolation Island (spoilers)  
Rated: PG  
Notes: I also took some liberties on a scene between Stephen and Sophie because it became boring only explaining what was going on without any action.

When Jack Aubrey was offered command of the _Leopard_ he leapt at the chance, immediately making elaborate plans. He listed who he could secure for her crew, he gained his wife's approval, he even went so far as to have Moses Jenkins, from the Dockyard, supply him with an accurate model of the _Leopard_. But there was a small hitch that he had not planned for. Stephen Maturin, his dear friend and ship's surgeon declined the voyage. It struck Jack rather suddenly, after he had explained the entire voyage to his friend. Promising Stephen cassowaries, wombats, kangaroos, all sorts of beetles and any other creature found in the East Indies, for that was where the _Leopard _was headed.  
  
Stephen reminded Jack that he was not truly in control of his own life, with government business weighing him down. Jack fell silent but Stephen assured him that he would have a good surgeon aboard.  
Jack inquired as to who it would be. "Mr. Deering?" he asked.

Stephen turned pale. He had told Jack about a loss during an operation earlier in the day but he had not mentioned who it was. Stephen's blue spirits became clear when he answered Jack.

"No. John Deering was the man I spoke of this afternoon. He died under my knife."  


When Stephen returned to Hampshire after making calls, the Aubrey's house was in an uproar. He felt obligated as Jack's dearest companion to inquire about the ruckus but as soon as the reasons where clear he excused himself to his room, apologizing for his tiredness and stating that he would be refreshed with some sleep.

'My spirits have sunken even deeper, I am afraid.' Stephen began in his journal after closing the creaking door behind him. 'Dianna has disappeared once again, I believe for good, at least that is what her farewell note would have me think.' He stopped and looked out the window at the darkening sky. In the distance lay the forest and near the edge he could see the first emerging deer. He sighed and looked back down.

'I was quite ready to accept Jack's invitation to sail when I returned. I was terribly distraught to find that he plans to refuse the voyage himself! Refuse! After all his joy and excitement over escaping to his beloved sea, he refuses the offer only because he is ordered to transport prisoners. I admit the Admiralty can be unjust and tricky towards him and many other officers but what a mess. The whole household is in a tizzy.' Stephen stopped and glanced outside again. The darkness had completely fallen and he could smell the beginnings of dinner and he could hear Jack, bellowing on about his orders in the kitchen.

'Poor Sophie.' He began again. 'She must hold so much inside at times. Tears, anger and even laughter at a time like this, when Jack becomes the boy that he was always accused of being.'

Stephen then heard a soft knock at his door, he called for whoever it was to enter and was surprised to feel a tugging at his shirt.

"Dinner is weady." Charlotte, one of the two twins, said sweetly.

"Thank you dear, I will attend directly." He answered her and turned back for a few more lines.

'I was so terribly disappointed to hear Jack so upset and against the journey. After my day today and Dianna's strange disappearance, I would sorely like to go along. But Jack can never know, it simply would not do. It would guilt him terribly to know.'

With a last stroke of his quill, Stephen signed his name to his entry and closed the book. He then turned and walked out of his door to the dining room.

Stephen resigned himself to a quiet contemplation of what to do next. He thought about it long into dinner, weighing his options to the sound of screaming children and Jack's booming voice at the table. If he strayed far and abroad, his first choice, he might not receive word in time of the _Ajax_ completion and while his solitary nature longed for that road, he was also feeling the first pangs of loneliness.

After dinner while Jack was busy with his fatherly duties wit the children, Sophie lured Stephen away and when they were alone, she flew into a passion about Jack's decision. –Could he change Jack's mind? Did he not know Jack had insulted a man in town over a game of cards and that a duel was impending? This had only just happened today!

Stephen was indeed distressed to hear it but made no promises about changing his friends mind. He was nearly brought to comforting poor Sophie who could hardly hold back her tears.

"Sophie, I have never seen such a sight! You cry because your husband will NOT leave you!" Stephen tried with levity.

"Of course I do! If he does not he will certainly be worse off. He spends so much time with those gambling men and such. He will not come through it without pains." Sophie answered strongly.

He had assured her that Jack was likely not to change his mind but he would think on it. That had been less than an hour ago and he felt exhausted. Being within the sole confidences of a married couple, each trusting him to say nothing to the other, was beginning to wear on Stephen but he finally found sleep, deciding that he could make no certain decisions in his frame of mind.

The next morning, however, Jack woke Stephen joyfully.

"Stephen, Stephen, wake up!" He whispered loudly to his friend who had thrown a considerable amount of the blankets on the floor. He woke as soon as he heard Jack enter but did not respond to Jack's prodding until his mind was awake and clear.  
  
"What on earth has changed since I heard your dismay last evening?" Stephen said groggily, opening his eyes and shielding the sunlight quickly, having expected Jack's bulk to be standing in front of the offending light.  
  
"I have decided to accept her." He exclaimed and Stephen noted that Jack was standing on the opposite side, hearing his voice behind him.  
  
"Accept who?" Stephen asked and pulled at a blanket, replacing it over his face.  
  
"The _Leopard_, Stephen, I'm accepting the orders to sail her." Jack said loudly.  
  
"Even with prisoners aboard? That was the point you were upset over wasn't it?" Stephen asked.  
  
"Why yes, it didn't quite agree with me yesterday but as you can see I have changed my mind entirely." Jack finished and Stephen felt his own boots land on the mattress, near to his head.  
  
"You must accompany me to exercise the horses, I'll not get much time after today. And I wish to speak with you."

  
  
The forest surrounding the Aubrey's residence belonged to them and Jack was quite proud of its singular magnificence. The tops of the trees were fully engorged with green and shielded the majority of the piercing sun. The shadowy ground, covered with undergrowth, swished softly beneath the two horses hooves.  
  
"Have you not already seen every bird in England?" Jack asked as Stephen reached for his glass and trained it on a bird, quite out of Jack's sight in the trees above. Jack marveled at Stephen's hand with the horse. When he let go of the reigns and grasped his glass he only made a small noise to the creature and it stopped immediately. Stephen's skill had grown and Jack noticed it.  
  
"I'll likely never know if I have seen them all." Stephen answered, lowering the glass.  
  
For a moment all that could be heard was the birds, for both horses had been halted near a spring to get a drink. Stephen kept silent until he felt as if Jack would never speak again.  
  
"Why did you change your mind?" He started. "Last night I was sure you would have unloaded your guns on the Admiralty."  
  
Jack laughed at Stephen's singular wit and answered him.  
  
"Well, you see, Sophie came to me last night quite vexed over you." He explained and Stephen's eyes widened.  
  
"Oh, I hope I have not upset her with the dead vulture." He said aloud but dismissed it when he saw Jack was unaware of anything of the like.  
  
"Please continue." Stephen said quickly.  
  
Jack stuttered a bit after Stephen had broken his thought. It seemed as if he was completely thrown off.  
  
"Might it have to do with a conversation you had with Sophie?" Stephen asked after a while, amused.  
  
"Yes, yes! That's it exactly." Jack was now back on track and Stephen listened intently.  
  
"You see, I hate to meddle Stephen and I know it is your business, but Sophie is convinced that Diana has wounded you, yet again, and a voyage with me would do you nothing but good." Jack stopped, having finally gotten it out and waited.  
  
"Well, I was planning on trying to convince you to accept the _Leopard _this morning, but since it seems that both of us are of the same mind about going, it is settled."  
  
"You were going to convince _me_." Jack asked confused and dismounted to rest in the soft grass.  
  
"Jack, I'm afraid Sophie also came to me last night, for your own good." Stephen laughed and dismounted as well, plopping near his friend on the grass.  
  
"_My_ own good!" Jack said, frustrated. "You are the one who is miserable with Diana."  
  
"And you are the one who might have an impending duel if you return to town any time soon." Stephen's tone had changed and he was serious.  
  
"This is important Jack, I can wallow in my misery to no end, but you will meet yours if you are not careful."  
  
Jack cut his friend a wounded glance.  
  
"You do not trust that I am a good shot?" He asked and Stephen sighed.  
  
"If you will remember, I am a good shot as well! Accidents happen and you have a family to leave behind, my dear."  
  
Jack contemplated for a moment and placed his head into his hand.  
  
"You are right, Stephen. That was a wrong move, I should not have called his dishonest, though it is true." He said sadly.  
  
Stephen looked reassuringly up at him. "You can trust your life to the sea but do not trust it to your own whims Jack."  
  
Jack suddenly found a loophole in Stephen's words and called him out.  
  
"And what of you? Diana wounds you every time you so much as look at her and you return, return, return. Explain that Stephen."  
  
Stephen felt caught for a moment. He leaned against the tree they had stopped by and tried to find an answer, when he realized he had none. After a moment he felt that Jack was about to dismiss his questioning and apologize so he spoke without thinking.  
  
"What of the sea?" He asked and it came to him. "It throws you about, rips you apart, it takes friends away from you but you return. Why?"  
  
Jack did not think. He did not have to. It came as easy as evening prayers.  
  
"I love the sea, Stephen."  
  
"That is it!" Stephen cried.  
  
"What is it?" Jack grumbled unable to see his friend's point.  
  
"Love. I love Diana."  
  
It was common was it not? For a courting couple to love one another, but Jack had never heard Stephen speak of it until that moment and he gained a new respect for his friend.  
  
"I'm sorry Stephen. It is not my business." He said and stood. Stephen sighed again and pulled himself up. "Do not say that joy, my life is your business. I only wish you could understand it more. Have I explained well enough?"  
  
"You have left me speechless. Surely Diana sees this as well." Jack asked.  
  
"Or is she had blockheaded as me?" He laughed and Stephen joined him.  
  
"She can be." He said and Jack stopped laughing.  
  
"Stephen! To say such a thing!" He mocked.  
  
"You said it, dear." Stephen said, mounting his horse and watching Jack heave into his saddle.  
  
"But you agreed." Jack answered fast, enjoying the squabble, using it for all it was worth for he would have to show more decorum when they boarded the _Leopard._

**I will try my hardest for one more chapter with a sum up, but I'm losing my inspiration on this one. And while I'm here, can anyone direct me to a beta for a Gladiator fic? I'm afraid I have picked a dead fandom. Anyone interested? If not I'll have to get a friend of mine to read over it, but don't expect perfection because I really want to post it anyway**.

Megan

Unrevised Version 

When Jack Aubrey was offered command of the _Leopard_ he leapt at the chance, immediately making elaborate plans. He listed who he could secure for her crew, he gained his wife's approval, he even went so far as to have Moses Jenkins, from the Dockyard, supply him with an accurate model of the _Leopard_. But there was a small hitch that he had not planned for. Stephen Maturin, his dear friend and ship's surgeon declined the voyage. It struck Jack rather suddenly, after he had explained the entire voyage to his friend. Promising Stephen cassowaries, wombats, kangaroos, all sorts of beetles and any other creature found in the East Indies, for that was where the _Leopard _was headed.

Stephen reminded Jack that he was not truly in control of his own life, with government business weighing him down. Jack fell silent but Stephen assured him that he would have a good surgeon aboard. Jack inquired as to who it would be.

"Mr. Deering?" Jack asked.

Stephen then began to look pale. He had told Jack about a recent loss during an operation earlier in the day. But he did not mention who it was. Stephen's blue spirits became clear when he answered Jack.

"No. John Deering was the man I spoke of this afternoon. He died under my knife."

The next day Stephen's spirits had sunken even deeper. He had called on Dianna, or tried, and found that she was gone. Gone for good, by her farewell note, and he was not sure if her excuses where entirely accurate. He made his way back to Hampshire sadly, ready to accept Jack's invitation and forgo any other obligations. When he arrived, however, Jack was not in as splendid a mood as before. Jack was angry, furious at the Admiralty, for they had sent his orders and he did not mean to accept them. Transporting prisoners was not his idea of a good cruise and he was obliged to wait on the _Ajax_, the only other ship available to him, but she was not finished.A sadness filled Stephen but he would not tell Jack he had changed his mind, it would make him feel guilt and Stephen resigned himself to a quiet contemplation of what to do next. He thought about it long into dinner, weighing his options to the sound of screaming children and Jack's booming voice at the table. If he strayed far and abroad, his first choice, he might not receive word in time of the _Ajax_ completion and while his solitary nature longed for that road, he was also feeling the first pangs of loneliness.

He thought until bedtime as he laid his head down for the night in the Aubrey's quest room. He had listened to Jack ramble on and on about the evils of the Navy and at one time speak of peace as if it were an impending danger to his occupation. This of course angered Stephen but he restrained himself, for any outburst would be wrong. There would be much, much more driving any argument, on Stephen's part, if it had been started. On top of all his worries he was now burdened with Jack's threat of a duel with a certain dishonest man in town. Sophia had secretly explained to him the circumstances Jack had found himself in just that day and begged Stephen to convince Jack to go to sea.

He had assured her that Jack was likely not to change his mind but he would think on it. That had been less than an hour ago and he felt exhausted. Being within the sole confidences of a married couple, each trusting him to say nothing to the other, was beginning to wear on Stephen but he finally found sleep, deciding that he could make no certain decisions in his frame of mind.

The next morning, however, Jack woke Stephen joyfully.

"Stephen, Stephen, wake up!" He whispered loudly to his friend who had thrown a considerable amount of the blankets on the floor. He woke as soon as he heard Jack enter but did not respond to Jack's prodding until his mind was awake and clear.

"What on earth has changed since I heard your dismay last evening?" Stephen said groggily, opening his eyes and shielding the sunlight quickly, having expected Jack's bulk to be standing in front of the offending light.

"I have decided to accept her." He exclaimed and Stephen noted that Jack was standing on the opposite side, hearing his voice behind him.

"Accept who?" Stephen asked and pulled at a blanket, replacing it over his face.

"The _Leopard_, Stephen, I'm accepting the orders to sail her." Jack said loudly.

"Even with prisoners aboard? That was the point you were upset over wasn't it?" Stephen asked.

"Why yes, it didn't quite agree with me yesterday but as you can see I have changed my mind entirely." Jack finished and Stephen felt his own boots land on the mattress, near to his head.

"You must accompany me to exercise the horses, I'll not get much time after today. And I wish to speak with you."

The forest surrounding the Aubrey's residence belonged to them and Jack was quite proud of its singular magnificence. The tops of the trees were fully engorged with green and shielded the majority of the piercing sun. The shadowy ground, covered with undergrowth, swished softly beneath the two horses hooves.

"Have you not already seen every bird in England?" Jack asked as Stephen reached for his glass and trained it on a bird, quite out of Jack's sight in the trees above. Jack marveled at Stephen's hand with the horse. When he let go of the reigns and grasped his glass he only made a small noise to the creature and it stopped immediately. Stephen's skill had grown and Jack noticed it.

"I'll likely never know if I have seen them all." Stephen answered, lowering the glass.

For a moment all that could be heard was the birds, for both horses had been halted near a spring to get a drink. Stephen kept silent until he felt as if Jack would never speak again.

"Why did you change your mind?" He started. "Last night I was sure you would have unloaded your guns on the Admiralty."

Jack laughed at Stephen's singular wit and answered him.

"Well, you see, Sophie came to me last night quite vexed over you." He explained and Stephen's eyes widened.

"Oh, I hope I have not upset her with the dead vulture." He said aloud but dismissed it when he saw Jack was unaware of anything of the like.

"Please continue." Stephen said quickly.

Jack stuttered a bit after Stephen had broken his thought. It seemed as if he was completely thrown off.

"Might it have to do with a conversation you had with Sophie?" Stephen asked after a while, amused.

"Yes, yes! That's it exactly." Jack was now back on track and Stephen listened intently.

"You see, I hate to meddle Stephen and I know it is your business, but Sophie is convinced that Diana has wounded you, yet again, and a voyage with me would do you nothing but good." Jack stopped, having finally gotten it out and waited.

"Well, I was planning on trying to convince you to accept the _Leopard _this morning, but since it seems that both of us are of the same mind about going, it is settled."

"You were going to convince _me_." Jack asked confused and dismounted to rest in the soft grass.

"Jack, I'm afraid Sophie also came to me last night, for your own good." Stephen laughed and dismounted as well, plopping near his friend on the grass.

"_My_ own good!" Jack said, frustrated. "You are the one who is miserable with Diana."

"And you are the one who might have an impending duel if you return to town any time soon." Stephen's tone had changed and he was serious.

"This is important Jack, I can wallow in my misery to no end, but you will meet yours if you are not careful."

Jack cut his friend a wounded glance.

"You do not trust that I am a good shot?" He asked and Stephen sighed.

"If you will remember, I am a good shot as well! Accidents happen and you have a family to leave behind, my dear."

Jack contemplated for a moment and placed his head into his hand.

"You are right, Stephen. That was a wrong move, I should not have called his dishonest, though it is true." He said sadly.

Stephen looked reassuringly up at him. "You can trust your life to the sea but do not trust it to your own whims Jack."

Jack suddenly found a loophole in Stephen's words and called him out.

"And what of you? Diana wounds you every time you so much as look at her and you return, return, return. Explain that Stephen."

Stephen felt caught for a moment. He leaned against the tree they had stopped by and tried to find an answer, when he realized he had none. After a moment he felt that Jack was about to dismiss his questioning and apologize so he spoke without thinking.

"What of the sea?" He asked and it came to him. "It throws you about, rips you apart, it takes friends away from you but you return. Why?"

Jack did not think. He did not have to. It came as easy as evening prayers.

"I love the sea, Stephen."

"That is it!" Stephen cried.

"What is it?" Jack grumbled unable to see his friend's point.

"Love. I love Diana."

It was common was it not? For a courting couple to love one another, but Jack had never heard Stephen speak of it until that moment and he gained a new respect for his friend.

"I'm sorry Stephen. It is not my business." He said and stood. Stephen sighed again and pulled himself up. "Do not say that joy, my life is your business. I only wish you could understand it more. Have I explained well enough?"

"You have left me speechless. Surely Diana sees this as well." Jack asked.

"Or is she had blockheaded as me?" He laughed and Stephen joined him.

"She can be." He said and Jack stopped laughing.

"Stephen! To say such a thing!" He mocked.

"You said it, dear." Stephen said, mounting his horse and watching Jack heave into his saddle.

"But you agreed." Jack answered fast, enjoying the squabble, using it for all it was worth for he would have to show more decorum when they boarded the _Leopard._


End file.
